Review of a visit to FKK Artemis in Berlin

Got a nice cheap flight with Ryanair to Berlin which is all the excuse any red-blooded male should need to schedule a visit to one of the biggest and most well-known of the FKK clubs, FKK Artemis! Flight got in to Schonefeld bright and early and then travelled by rail from the airport to my hostel in Charlottenburg, as usual in Germany public transport was cheap and efficient. Only paid €30 for a single room in the hostel which was basic but fine, no point paying any more as everything you need (food, showers, etc.) is at Artemis apart from somewhere to kip.

A 20-minute walk down Spandauer onto Halenseestrasse and you arrive at the entrance to Artemis.

FKK Artemis entrance

Now the thekenfraus at FKK receptions are often young, hot and friendly but unfortunately not at Artemis on this occasion where I was met by a gruff middle-aged dame whose only interest seemed to be relieving me of my €80 entry and getting me out of the way fast, never mind whether I knew anything about the club or not. Now I did but first-time visitors would be right out of luck and deserve better than this. Unfortunately for me at least, this perfectly illustrates a generally all-business and unfriendly vibe at Artemis which I'll return to later.

Reception area at FKK Artemis

You're given a bathrobe, wristband and two locker keys for cash and clothes, and the first item on the agenda is to put your valuables into your cash locker which is right beside reception. Mobile phones aren't allowed to avoid amateur photography so be sure to put your phone in too. Now this is where you return with your girl to pay after spending time with her so you'll probably have your first vision of some nude beauties here, coming from a generally prudish country this is always a very welcome and refreshing sight! The girls at the club are mostly completely nude apart from heels except on lingerie days.

As I've mentioned the girls which are after all the main reason for visiting, I should say that as regards looks, quantity and variety, just IMO Artemis is better than any other club. Have never counted but I reckon there must be up to 100 girls there during the evening shift at weekends, which is similar to the biggest clubs like Sharks and Oase. While mostly Eastern European of course like everywhere else, to my eyes there's more variety at Artemis and I've met some Latinas, Asians and black girls there too. Tastes differ of course but for me, almost all are in the 7-10 range with a decent proportion of absolute stunners. Peter Tips previously said that: "if you don't manage to find several girls that you'd like to stick it in at Artemis, the wasted cash will be much less of a concern than figuring out how you're going to tell your mother that you're gay" and I think this says it all! ;)

Nowhere's perfect though and the downside is that at least in my experience, a higher proportion than at most other clubs (except Palace for example) are basically sharks who regard guys as walking ATMs from which money should be extracted as quickly as possible. After the obligatory asking your name and where you're from, these girls generally give themselves away by immediately suggesting a visit to a room. Artemis attracts lots of tourists and newbs which are easy prey for these hustlers. Tip: have a chat with any girl you're interested in first and avoid unless you get a positive, friendly vibe from her indicating a service-minded mentality. Also discuss beforehand exactly what you want in the room to avoid any annoying upselling killing the mood. Basically some common sense and thinking with your big head at this point will save you a bunch of grief. The standard charge for each half hour of basic service at Artemis is €60 with extras such as CIM or backdoor costing more to be negotiated with the girl, but usually another €50 and €100. Although kissing is normally never an extra at FKK clubs, recent reports suggest that it now is at Artemis which doesn't bother me but will be an issue for lots of guys, so make sure to check beforehand if you want it. This extra seems to have started after the police raid which appears to have been mainly motivated by tax issues around whether the girls are self-employed or employees as already discussed by Rockit. If they're self-employed as Artemis claims then obviously they can't be given rules about what to charge among other things, and it may well be that the club hooker union has taken advantage to introduce this new extra.

In any event, next up you pass a big bin with shower sandals on your way to the guys locker room. Tip: bring your own sandals as the ones they provide are pretty poor, this may also reduce the pestering from club sharks as it's an indication you're not a total newb. After changing and locking up your stuff, it's time for the obligatory shower and on with the robe. At this point, rather than making any hasty decisions, I like to take a leisurely tour of the club ending at the restaurant for some grub.

Artemis is a very large club with three floors and directly upstairs from the locker room are the private rooms for sessions with your girl(s), you can only go up there if accompanied by one of them.

Stairway to heaven at Artemis!

They're not bad at all with mirrors etc. and spotlessly clean which is impressive given the amount of action going on!

Downstairs is a small gym (yes a gym, AFAIK the only one at an FKK!), a porn kino, the wellness area and a small lounge. The kino plays movies round the clock and if you're an exhibitionist you can have a session here too on one of the couches with your own little audience! Not all girls will agree to this but finding one who does wouldn't be difficult as they're constantly dropping by in the hunt for fresh prey. Drinks are available at the bar here, alcohol is €10 which is pretty steep obviously but all other drinks are included in the entry. You can also watch the footy in the lounge but disappointingly the screen is pretty small. The girls aren't allowed here but you do see the occasional intruder.

The small lounge downstairs, those couches come in handy for a snooze!

The wellness area consists of steam room/sauna, a small pool and a massage area where you can avail if you like (not included in the entry). It mostly seems to be the girls themselves that get massages here actually, so I suspect getting a position as a masseuse at Artemis is pretty competitive! ;)

A door at the end of the lounge takes you to the outdoor area which is also pretty nice with a small swimming pool, jacuzzi, sauna and steam room. There's some deck chairs too and it's always a fine sight to see the sun glistening on the lovely bodies of naked beauties outdoors, unfortunately none of the girls indulged on this visit. ;(

The outdoor area at Artemis

Climbing some steps from the pool takes you back indoors and through to the dining area, where there's a buffet of reasonable quality available all day. The girls eat here too, wrapping a towel around their bits before they enter! Once you've satisfied one appetite, a door from the dining area takes you basically back to where you started, the main lounge near the reception area.

The main lounge at Artemis

This is the epicentre of the club and where you'll find the majority of the girls hanging out at any given time, mostly sitting on towels and smoking.

Another view of the main lounge!

There's a bar, lots of seats and couches, another small kino and a stripper stage which was intermittently used by two pretty hot strippers during the evening I was there.

The stripper stage in the main lounge

As many of the girls seem to spend their down-time chain-smoking here, you won't be surprised that the whole room basically became a haze of smoke during the evening which was pretty off-putting.

When you're ready for a session, either here or on the stairs outside are the best places to find and chat to your next dream girl. On the stairs I met Donna from Hungary (or so she said, as always anything the girls say may or may not be true), a dark-skinned beauty with simply superb tatas, and had a friendly chat with her. She was initially trying to push a 1-hour session but once I explained that I never agree to this beforehand, she settled down a bit. Tip: there's no point committing to more than 30 minutes before going to a room, if a session is going well no girl will refuse to extend whereas you can limit the damage if it doesn't. Donna provided a generally good and enthusiastic basic service as agreed and although she was inclined to be a bit of a clock-watcher, I'd checked the kick-off time to avoid an issue. Tip: bring a watch and agree the time you get started to avoid any arguments.

Another girl I had fun with claimed to be from Poland with a name starting with L (Lucille? Lucy?), she had a lovely curvy body with an amazing arse. While she isn't one of the 10/10 club stunners, she has a really friendly, enthusiastic demeanour which more than compensates for me. This was also an accurate indication of her service-minded attitude later. We had a nice chat about various subjects including our troubles learning German before adjourning to a room for more intimate interactions. A very good time was had including plenty of scope to explore and feast on her lovely ripe body.

Didn't meet with the infamous Jenna or her monstrous tatas during this visit which isn't too surprising as she's very popular for at least two very obvious reasons so if you'd like to, you should definitely contact her beforehand on twitter (@JennaNova) to schedule an appointment and avoid disappointment.

Jenna and FKK Artemis at Venus Berlin 2015

The €80 daily entry gives you access to the club from opening at 11.00 right through to closing at 05.00 the following morning, which means anyone staying for most/all of the day will have lots of down-time between sessions while batteries are recharging. Some guys ask how to occupy this time and personally I like to watch the footy, although this only works at weekends and won't be of interest to everyone. While the wellness facilities are very good, it'd be great if there were other options too. A games area with pool/foosball tables seems like an obvious one, a work area with wifi where laptop use was allowed would also be very welcome.

Overall, there's lots of good things about Artemis but a few negatives too. Most importantly, there's lots of really hot girls and I can't imagine any guy being disappointed on this front. Also the facilities are excellent, I've seen Artemis described as "palatial" before and I wouldn't argue with that.

On the debit side, as Mongerplanet found it's quite a bit more expensive than the clubs in Frankfurt and NRW where by comparison the entry and 30 minutes are generally both €50. I also find it to be a not particularly friendly club, from reception to the bar staff to some of the girls too. In addition, many of the girls are all-business which contrasts negatively with one or two of the NRW clubs for example where you'll regularly see them dancing and having fun. (Aside: if you've never seen a group of naked beauties dancing in the flesh, it's an amazing sight to behold!) At Artemis though, they generally just sit on their towels chain-smoking when they're not in a room. The lack of FKK competition for Artemis could potentially contribute to these issues as unfortunately it's the only one in Berlin. On the face of it, when you consider the number of clubs in Frankfurt and NRW, it seems really strange that although Berlin is by far the biggest city in Germany, it only has one FKK. Any idea why this is? Finally as already stated, the main lounge in particular descends into a smoky fog of an evening which is pretty unpleasant for someone used to smoke-free indoors, not to mention making ogling the girls more difficult!

To sum up, Rockit previously gave Artemis 4/5 stars in his review and for me that's pretty accurate too.

More:
Links to other reviews of FKK Artemis
Artemis thread on ISG
New FKK Artemis website (German only)